Purely doodling

At 12am, I cannot sleep. Because of this.

“I don’t want to talk liao. I go sleep le.”

That line, I’ve heard for so many times. Probably too many.

Have I become more mature? Or rather immature?

Each time there’s a problem rising in this relationship, I seek to find the reason. I want to know what is exactly causing all these. I don’t wish to end anything with something lingering around.

At least I know communication is the most important thing in a relationship. No. In life.

If I were to put all the blame on myself, will this relationship improve?

Or would it be better if I put all the blame on him instead?

Is it me always wanting to find more ‘trouble’ by voicing out whatever negative thoughts I have?

Or is it him who has always been the one who avoids getting the answer to all our problems?

Is avoiding really the right way? I CAN avoid. I really can. I sometimes wish to avoid too. But does it benefit any of us in future? Future like the next minute, tomorrow, next year, or when we have our own family.

Why am I always the one feeling miserable and losing sleep while he sleeps soundly?

Why did I feel a pain when he said it’s weird hanging with him and his friends (whom half of them I’ve already known)?

Why did it hurt so much when he said huh you really want to go?

Why did my heart almost stop when he said it’s gonna be really weird with me around?

Why. Why did I feel jealous when he said it would be so much fun with just them, and not having me around to weirdify the atmosphere?

Why. Why on earth did he think that having a couple around will ruin everything, therefore not been able to have me around? Why?

Why. Why. Why did he have to say that a couple around will make everyone awkward? Then what about those times I hanged out with you and our colleagues? As a couple.

Didn’t I know you when I knew the other colleagues as well? Haven’t I already been labelled “your girlfriend” in front of them a long time ago? Haven’t I been pretty well known as a part of your life? Or was it part of your life when we both had common friends? When we don’t, I’m just known as your girlfriend, but hidden somewhere, not ready to show the rest of the world. What happened to the days when we hanged out with the colleagues we both know? Why did it have to change when new colleagues come in after I’ve left? Can’t I know them too?

I hate it that women are such weak creatures.

I hate it that men can be such heartless ones.

I think I gotta continue reading my Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Probably it will enlighten me further.

Probably, it’s just his way of behaviour.

Then I’ll do the same. To make myself feel better. I hope.

I shall do whatever he does to me. Going out with my friends and refuse to let him join me. And also making last minute changes. To make him know how I feel.

Maybe I shouldn’t mind his business from now on. And live the way I lived without him in my life.

Sometimes it gets tiring. Really. To think about all these problems not getting solved and having new ones. Yet no one has the ability to solve it. Is avoiding and pretending they don’t exist really the way?

Is this the end? Or is this the beginning?

Tell me. Why do you always not do anything except go to sleep when my tears start falling?


4 thoughts on “Purely doodling

  1. Hey Jacelyn! Haven’t seen you in the longest time! Haha how have you been?
    I’m quite fine actually. But yea, thanks for dropping by and the advice. I sure will do things I like 😀


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