Too many “why” and “what next” and “what should I do” and even “should I continue” questions being popping in my mind these recent months.
It’s been a pretty rocky journey, albeit not talking about it. I thought of keeping this away from social media and maintain this blog just like a typical wedding preparation updates for my memory’s sake.
House, renovation, ROM, wedding, kids. Things that have not happened yet have already starting posing as issues. Issues like disagreement, different opinions, freedom of choice. Right. Freedom of choice. For a moment I thought I was choosing MY house, renovating MY house, planning MY ROM and wedding and deciding on what to do best for MY future kids. Until it hit me. Real hard. It was never MY opinions nor choices. I conveniently forgot that my life doesn’t revolve around just me alone now.
I wish I could be selfish, or rather, hassle-free. Decide what I want, decide what I like, decide how to lead my life and plan my ‘dream’ wedding. I wish. Obviously it wasn’t that easy.
Two people turned into two whole new worlds of opinionated family and relatives. It was really hard to please everyone. I probably tried to please everyone else except myself, that I landed up in this ‘mess’ now. A mental mess. It is mentally draining. A neverending crying river. A traumatizing experience. A forever heartache. Each time I wanted to make a decision based on what I want and what I think is right, something bad has to happen. I feel stupid and unsure of making anymore decisions. Because things weren’t what I pictured them to be. It’s just not easy when suddenly everyone wanna get involved when in the first place no one mentioned a word of opinion.
It’s probably not just our issues that is breaking me, crushing me like sand. Decisions I make for MYSELF now involve another’s convenience. I’ve made many wrong moves in life, be it career or studies or silly daily decisions. It’s all accumulative. Like compounding interest. It rolls and rolls non-stop. Before you know it, it has magnified and multiplied beyond repair. Then questions like “continue on?” or “give up?” appear.
Perhaps it’s my inability to control my emotions, or my weak mind power, or even my low tolerance capability that caused all these. I find that I have changed. Changed for the worse. I hate the present ME.
I’m drained. Alone. Shut out. Unappreciated.