Being Pregnant – Week 34

It was the first time I had my checkup alone since the hubby was called up for reservist. What a bummer.

Also my first time grabbing car with GrabCar. Quite a pleasant experience even though the first driver cancelled on me. At least the one who eventually came was nice.

Visiting the gynae alone was somewhat intimidating. I wished Leland was with me but he had his national duty to fulfill. Redbean understands.

I felt somewhat comforted after seeing a couple of MTBs alone as well even though I was sure they also wished their hubbies were with them.

Week 34 checkup included a GBS test – basically what Dr Goh did was a vaginal swab test with a cotton bud – to test for bacteria infection in the inner region. She said about 30% preggies will get this infection and will require antibiotics to prevent baby from getting it as well.

I also found out I didn’t gain much weight in 2 weeks as compared to the last 2 visits. Probably around 300g from the last checkup 2 weeks ago. Redbean absorbed ALL of the 300g! He’s currently weighing at 2.39kg now to which Dr Goh was pleasant with the rate he’s growing.

Previously she kept emphasizing he was chubby and I had to cut down on carbs. I guess I have tried to cut down but still gotta take 1 portion of rice/noodles at least. Was kinda surprised I only gained 300g in 2 weeks, but good news, at least I wouldn’t have to worry about losing them after.

She also estimated his birth weight to be around 3.1kg if the rate is constant. Hopefully Redbean doesn’t get my heavy birth genes. I weighed almost 4.1kg at birth! My mum must have had a really tough time.

As the weeks draw nearer to my EDD, I am slightly panicking. Especially when some of the other August mummies are already popping one by one (some preemie, some induced). I do hope Redbean comes ON time. Not too early please. I mean, I don’t like surprises like this. I prefer to plan my life instead of getting impromptu changes. So Redbean, please behave. As much as we are eager to see you, but it’s still a lil early. Stay inside and enjoy the warmth for now!

His movements are getting more uncomfortable as days go by. His nudges and pushes are getting aggressive. One night, I had a sharp pain on the left side of my tummy. Looked down and noticed a RIGHT ANGLE tummy, probably his leg pushing my stomach wall, jutting out from the usual roundness. It hurt for that few seconds while I was amazed at his strength.

I’m not sure if I will miss his movements after he’s out since my sleep is already affected by them. Every angle is an uncomfortable angle.

I’m tired. And emotional. I thought I have passed that emotional phase since my 3rd trimester hit. But now I can really just burst out in tears for no absolute reason. Ok maybe out of fear and anxiety for most part of it.

I am indirectly affecting Redbean by crying a lot lately. I foresee he would be a crybaby, or at least a frowny one.

Sorry Redbean. Mummy’s been really cranky nowadays. 

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14 years too long

Tata,

Yesterday night was somewhat emotional, knowing that the next day would be the 14th year you’ve left us. I woke up this morning in a rush to get to work. It wasn’t until I settled down at my desk that it hit me it is your anniversary today.

I have this habit of paying tribute to you, by making a short blogpost for you. So here’s one for this year.

I looked through my phone for a photo of us together.

R07

Found this.

I was probably 2, and you, 1. Looking at it brought back memories. I realized we didn’t have many photos of us together during our childhood days. We don’t have photos together when we were growing up, nor any photos when we grew up.

I broke down.

You were my best friend. You made my childhood a fulfilling one. I could never get through the weekends without you. Even though we have disagreements from time to time, we would always forgive and forget, move on and continue our lives as kids.

Everyone saw how inseparable we were, crying and making a fuss about staying over at each other’s place when our mothers disallowed it. Even though I was older, you always took care of me more like I was the younger sister instead.

I missed the times we would stay up late at night and joke about everything, until our mothers would nag at us to sleep.

I missed the times we would sneak out of grandma’s house to the playground.

I missed the times we watch cartoons on tapes and memorizing every single dialogue in the show.

I missed the times we would save up money to buy the egg-toy from the mama shop.

I missed the times we would build ‘houses’ with pillows and bolsters.

I missed the times we spent our time at downtown east chalet and playing water in the swimming pool.

I missed the times we walk together to the library from grandma’s place.

I missed the times we would meet each other in school and in choir.

I miss you.

I’m getting married in about 5 weeks and you aren’t around to witness it. We made a pact when we were young, to get married at the same time and pursue our happiness together.

Was just talking to your sister over Whatsapp few weeks back. If you were around, I’m pretty sure you would be top of my Whatsapp list. But you were gone even before mobile phones were a common thing. Was telling her I hope you can feel and see my happiness from above.

You were gone too long, too soon.

Love Nest updates

Haiz. *take deep breath*

According to our developer, Sun Huan’s, website last year, we were supposed to be hearing news in March 2015. But somewhere end of last year, the date was updated to June 2015. And since after the developer hand over the keys to HDB, it will still need some time to sort out the paperwork at HDB’s end. Therefore, keys will be distributed in batches. Sad to say, our block isn’t progressing as fast as we thought.

Our BTO has 4 sets of blocks, each with its own sub-blocks, from A – C/D. Apparently, 2 other blocks have already gotten their keys. Most of them are starting on renovation, while some have already moved in! *gasp* Jin jelly lor!! Ours should be next in line, however, we are block B, so it is still unknown to us when exactly will we be getting our keys.

We checked back HDB website in July and our HLE was auto-approved and that probably completion date was updated to End Sept 2015. Great. That’s like just a few days before our AD. I cannot imagine how busy we will become during that period. Even if it really does complete by end of September, most likely our keys collection will be during our wedding period, worse, ON our wedding day itself.

HDB, I clap for you.

It’s frustrating to be waiting and waiting without any concrete news about the progress. Especially when we decided our wedding date based on the progress from last year, that we should at least be doing renovation now and moving in BEFORE the wedding. But nope, it got delayed not once, not twice, but THRICE!

Our plans just become screwed and jumbled. We have not made plans to be staying with his parents after the customary but seems like it’s a no-choice now since we are HOMELESS. I am not ready for such arrangements, especially when it’s such a last minute choice. Neither am I ready to be going to work at Clementi from his place at Serangoon. How many changes and arrangements do I have to make just to accommodate a DELAYED house of our own? Even if I chose to stay at my own place at Bukit Panjang, how is it right that we are staying apart since we have already being married customarily?

This is absolutely infuriating every single time I think about it. Damn sian. Am I suay or am I suay??

Even if we receive the keys now (which is completely impossible), renovation will still clash with our wedding period. It isn’t the best period to have multiple arrangements clashing since it’s also my peak period at work. ARGH!

My patience is running out, especially now that I’m stuck at home with people I don’t wish to be around with.

Never my intention

Casper had an appointment with his vet yesterday afternoon for his regular review. He’s been seeing Dr Heng for regular checks and Dr Poon for monthly acupuncture ever since he started medications for his seizures.

We reached early at 1.45pm for our 2pm appointment, giving them allowance to draw blood for him and run the tests while we wait.

However, as popular as always, The Joyous Vet is always packed on the weekends. Unfortunately, there was only Dr Heng on duty so the consultation was pretty slow. I empathize with those who walked in because they would have to wait even longer. I’ve waited 3 hours for a walk-in. Even with appointment slot, we still waited til 3pm before we saw Dr Heng.

As our queue number flashed on the queue system, I was rather puzzled we were allocated to the second consultation room when it was only room 1 that was supposed to be utilized. As I made my way to room 2, the receptionist gave me a confused face and directed me to room 1. So I thought it was a technical glitch with their system. I made my way to room 1, lightly knocked on the door and slided the door open.

To my ultimate shock, the previous patient and the family members were still in the room. Crying. There was a kitty carrier on the table, which was opened on the top.

It was NEVER my intention to barge into their private time, sensing that it wasn’t a good situation in the room. I apologized and quickly closed the door and wanted to seek help from the reception. That was when Dr Heng opened the door to room 2 and guided me in.

She apologized for the confusion, explaining that room 1 was occupied as the family’s cat just passed away.

*cues dramatic emo music*

I felt weak in my knees knowing my intuition was right. I barged into the room while they were saying their goodbyes to their beloved cat. It was just so wrong.

My first reaction was to whine to the hubby about what I saw in Dr Heng’s presence. She gave an apologetic smile saying her receptionist did not know what was happening in room 1 so she didn’t know room 2 was open up instead.

I wasn’t trying to make Dr Heng feel bad. I WAS feeling bad myself. I felt horrible! I cannot shake off the scene of the 3 family members with tears in their eyes, red and swollen from crying for the past, perhaps, 45 minutes. No wonder they took so long in the room.

It really was a horrible feeling! I cannot imagine the confusion and intrusion they felt after seeing me at the door. I really can’t.

Up til now, I’m still feeling awful about it. I was hoping I could see them exit the room after Casper’s consultation was done so I could personally apologize but they needed more private time with their beloved cat. I never got to see them.

It was a depressing moment for me. I imagined myself being in their shoes. When Casper leaves us, I might be crying even worse. I can only picture how empty life is without Casper around. With his medical conditions and his increasing age, this reality of him leaving us one day is slowly seeping in. Even though he looks healthy and still rather active at times despite his frequent seizures, I still am afraid things might just happen.

Because we will never know.

Because there’s a need to let it out

Too many “why” and “what next” and “what should I do” and even “should I continue” questions being popping in my mind these recent months.

It’s been a pretty rocky journey, albeit not talking about it. I thought of keeping this away from social media and maintain this blog just like a typical wedding preparation updates for my memory’s sake.

House, renovation, ROM, wedding, kids. Things that have not happened yet have already starting posing as issues. Issues like disagreement, different opinions, freedom of choice. Right. Freedom of choice. For a moment I thought I was choosing MY house, renovating MY house, planning MY ROM and wedding and deciding on what to do best for MY future kids. Until it hit me. Real hard. It was never MY opinions nor choices. I conveniently forgot that my life doesn’t revolve around just me alone now.

I wish I could be selfish, or rather, hassle-free. Decide what I want, decide what I like, decide how to lead my life and plan my ‘dream’ wedding. I wish. Obviously it wasn’t that easy.

Two people turned into two whole new worlds of opinionated family and relatives. It was really hard to please everyone. I probably tried to please everyone else except myself, that I landed up in this ‘mess’ now. A mental mess. It is mentally draining. A neverending crying river. A traumatizing experience. A forever heartache. Each time I wanted to make a decision based on what I want and what I think is right, something bad has to happen. I feel stupid and unsure of making anymore decisions. Because things weren’t what I pictured them to be. It’s just not easy when suddenly everyone wanna get involved when in the first place no one mentioned a word of opinion.

It’s probably not just our issues that is breaking me, crushing me like sand. Decisions I make for MYSELF now involve another’s convenience. I’ve made many wrong moves in life, be it career or studies or silly daily decisions. It’s all accumulative. Like compounding interest. It rolls and rolls non-stop. Before you know it, it has magnified and multiplied beyond repair. Then questions like “continue on?” or “give up?” appear.

Perhaps it’s my inability to control my emotions, or my weak mind power, or even my low tolerance capability that caused all these. I find that I have changed. Changed for the worse. I hate the present ME.

I’m drained. Alone. Shut out. Unappreciated.