18 weeks young!

Caleb, my dear boy, has been a bit mischievous of late. Crankiness is his new best friend. Exhaustion is mine.

Recently turned 4 months young on Monday. Apart from the 4th-month growth spurt, he is also going through a leap (according to The Wonder Weeks) which will last for a while. Some days he latches non-stop, some days he doesn’t seem hungry at all.

Currently he’s still on a 2-hourly feed, if lucky, 3. At night, he’s still latching every 3 hourly and hasn’t slept through the night ever since his 2 nights of peace back when he was about 10 weeks young. I’m not too crazy about having him sttn since I know some mummies who are obsessed about achieving this as early as 2 months old. I’ll let Caleb be ready when he’s ready.

I’ve been depressed at the thought that my maternity leave has ended and I’ve extended using my annual leave, as well as unpaid leave. Mum’s gonna come babysit him in January as she’s retiring from her 30-year career as of today. Happy for her but she’s gonna take over a more difficult job after that haha.

Continue reading “18 weeks young!”

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14 years too long

Tata,

Yesterday night was somewhat emotional, knowing that the next day would be the 14th year you’ve left us. I woke up this morning in a rush to get to work. It wasn’t until I settled down at my desk that it hit me it is your anniversary today.

I have this habit of paying tribute to you, by making a short blogpost for you. So here’s one for this year.

I looked through my phone for a photo of us together.

R07

Found this.

I was probably 2, and you, 1. Looking at it brought back memories. I realized we didn’t have many photos of us together during our childhood days. We don’t have photos together when we were growing up, nor any photos when we grew up.

I broke down.

You were my best friend. You made my childhood a fulfilling one. I could never get through the weekends without you. Even though we have disagreements from time to time, we would always forgive and forget, move on and continue our lives as kids.

Everyone saw how inseparable we were, crying and making a fuss about staying over at each other’s place when our mothers disallowed it. Even though I was older, you always took care of me more like I was the younger sister instead.

I missed the times we would stay up late at night and joke about everything, until our mothers would nag at us to sleep.

I missed the times we would sneak out of grandma’s house to the playground.

I missed the times we watch cartoons on tapes and memorizing every single dialogue in the show.

I missed the times we would save up money to buy the egg-toy from the mama shop.

I missed the times we would build ‘houses’ with pillows and bolsters.

I missed the times we spent our time at downtown east chalet and playing water in the swimming pool.

I missed the times we walk together to the library from grandma’s place.

I missed the times we would meet each other in school and in choir.

I miss you.

I’m getting married in about 5 weeks and you aren’t around to witness it. We made a pact when we were young, to get married at the same time and pursue our happiness together.

Was just talking to your sister over Whatsapp few weeks back. If you were around, I’m pretty sure you would be top of my Whatsapp list. But you were gone even before mobile phones were a common thing. Was telling her I hope you can feel and see my happiness from above.

You were gone too long, too soon.

Bridezilla ALERT!

Just when I thought I already got the hang of planning an event, especially after my ROM, I once again fall into a panic mode because I have less than 100 days left!

99 days to be exact but who’s really counting?? Oh shit.

I completely understand why brides have their bridezilla moments, just like how I had mine when I was planning my ROM.

99 days to my wedding and I receive news from a sister that she has work commitments so she is unable to help me out.

lightning

*cues dramatic music*

惊天动地!晴天霹雳!

Very appropriate image to show how I felt because it so happened to just start raining when I was on my way to work this morning.

This is the 3rd bridesmaid who is unable to assist me on my big day and I am dejected. Am hoping, both fingers crossed, that another friend is able to help out despite being rather last minute.

So 99 days to the big day… I am obviously in some kind of panic mode. Am slowly striking off the to-do list. Keyword: slowly. In fact, I don’t even know if we can get anything done at this rate haha.

Currently I have these items on my To-Do list:

  1. Wedding invites – pending draft confirmation
  2. Food tasting – pending
  3. Song list for live band – pending
  4. Gatecrash games – in discussion
  5. Bridesmaids’ dresses – ordered. Waiting for shipment to arrive.
  6. Save-the-date – sent to some friends and relatives
  7. Hotel decor
  8. Wedding favours
  9. DIY Promise card
  10. Guo Da Li
  11. An Chuang
  12. Guest list (the BIGGEST headache)

Siao liao! Like so many things lah! And I’m pretty sure I have missed out some things. My mind is only that small but so many things to remember. Poor brain cells.

99 days.

The harsh reality hit me when I realized this wedding isn’t exactly what I dreamt of. Every bride will want her dream wedding, trust me. Be it a super grand dinner with everyone from the village turning up for the event, or a simple quiet affair with just close family members. It is still the bride’s dream, afterall. Because, honestly, the grooms don’t really bother much about how the wedding looks or functions, as long as they survive the night and not get too bad a hangover.

For some, it’s even just a formality to invite everyone because they have to. No choice, because my family is huge. No choice, because my parents have a lot of friends. No choice, because I’m the only son. No choice, because my family is rich.

Haha. I’m the completely opposite of that. Yes my family is big, but because it consists of distant-relatives that we also see during the CNY, and cousins of my dad are also relatives to us. If we could exclude the distant ones, then it would make my life much easier. But yet, I would prefer to have the entire Chua clan present to prevent things like “You married liao ah?? Why never invite me?” kinda situations. Awkward.

I had a dream wedding. But I was gradually steered away from it now that it involves another family. I almost cannot remember my idea of my dream wedding.

Been in the planning process for the past year and still ongoing, I really wish to keep things hassle-free. All the sourcing and coordination for vendors is a tiring process. I have no idea how do other brides do it. No wonder people say once is enough. Hahaha.

Today the boss announced to the entire department I would be having my wedding at the end of the year. Stressed. Suddenly I feel obliged to invite everyone. But really, if I have no space means no space. Really gotta selectively invite and hope no one gets offended.

I need to destress and think less about how complicating this whole wedding planning is. It’s actually quite simple, isn’t it? I’m just paranoid and over-thinking everything. So yup, 99 days to the actual day. Who’s counting again?

Because there’s a need to let it out

Too many “why” and “what next” and “what should I do” and even “should I continue” questions being popping in my mind these recent months.

It’s been a pretty rocky journey, albeit not talking about it. I thought of keeping this away from social media and maintain this blog just like a typical wedding preparation updates for my memory’s sake.

House, renovation, ROM, wedding, kids. Things that have not happened yet have already starting posing as issues. Issues like disagreement, different opinions, freedom of choice. Right. Freedom of choice. For a moment I thought I was choosing MY house, renovating MY house, planning MY ROM and wedding and deciding on what to do best for MY future kids. Until it hit me. Real hard. It was never MY opinions nor choices. I conveniently forgot that my life doesn’t revolve around just me alone now.

I wish I could be selfish, or rather, hassle-free. Decide what I want, decide what I like, decide how to lead my life and plan my ‘dream’ wedding. I wish. Obviously it wasn’t that easy.

Two people turned into two whole new worlds of opinionated family and relatives. It was really hard to please everyone. I probably tried to please everyone else except myself, that I landed up in this ‘mess’ now. A mental mess. It is mentally draining. A neverending crying river. A traumatizing experience. A forever heartache. Each time I wanted to make a decision based on what I want and what I think is right, something bad has to happen. I feel stupid and unsure of making anymore decisions. Because things weren’t what I pictured them to be. It’s just not easy when suddenly everyone wanna get involved when in the first place no one mentioned a word of opinion.

It’s probably not just our issues that is breaking me, crushing me like sand. Decisions I make for MYSELF now involve another’s convenience. I’ve made many wrong moves in life, be it career or studies or silly daily decisions. It’s all accumulative. Like compounding interest. It rolls and rolls non-stop. Before you know it, it has magnified and multiplied beyond repair. Then questions like “continue on?” or “give up?” appear.

Perhaps it’s my inability to control my emotions, or my weak mind power, or even my low tolerance capability that caused all these. I find that I have changed. Changed for the worse. I hate the present ME.

I’m drained. Alone. Shut out. Unappreciated.

To end off 2012

What just happened? 2012 went with the breeze and 2013 hit without any warning. All of us survived dooms day. Congratulations. So that’s a pretty good thing if you were actually expecting the world to end on 21st December last year.

Ok so yup, I scrolled the main page of my blog, and realised a harsh fact. I haven’t been blogging. At this rate, I don’t even get an average of 1 post per month. *shakes head* Lazy bones, you have completely taken over me.

So here’s a really short summary of 2012. I have had a boring year.

Signed the most number of documents in my life. Biggest commitment. CPF got wiped out. *looks at empty CPF account*

Became auntie too many times.

Travelled 3 times. Myanmar, Bangkok and Perth.

Had a first-time experience in losing my luggage. Which eventually was delivered right at my door step.

Attended too many weddings.

Attended too many funerals.

Turned mid-20s.

Celebrated the boyfriend’s 28th birthday at RWS.

Attended my first dog party.

Attended Happy Ever Laughter and Crazy Christmas, Cesar Millan, Wicked, Titanic Exhibition and Harry Potter Museum. *looks at empty wallet*

I was trying so hard to sieve through my blog and Facebook for traces of happenings in 2012. Sadly, I was too lazy to upload all that has happened. And I’m too lazy to look through the photo album to know what else I did.

There were so many things that happened that wasn’t recorded down in photo memory. It took me quite a while to decide to briefly talk about it.

He was diagnosed with cancer. When my mum first told me, it kinda hit me hard. But that only lasted 15 minutes. Despite the awful history and nightmares we had because of him, and currently still going through, we fell into many moments of “no choice” because of the blood that flows within us. Unfortunately, that’s just the only thing that links us to him. 

I have cried. Too many times. Not because of his condition, but because when all of us thought my mum could actually finally enjoy life now that we have both grown up, this awful news has to hit her and she cannot break free. 

His irresponsibility for his own life has caused us much distraught, to which most of it is weighing down on my mum. The burden she has to bear is way beyond words and our comprehension. But as strong as she is, we have never seen her drop a single tear, which I am extremely amazed at. On the other hand, I’m probably the one who shed the most tears over this issue, because of the helplessness I face and the inability to help carry some burden from my mum.

The chemotherapy and radiotherapy sessions have caused much changes, of which mostly were impacted on us. It has made things at home worse than ever and mum is getting more tired each day. 

We prayed. We prayed for all these to end soon. Infidelity, betrayal, lies and now a sickness that requires a hefty sum. I don’t know how much more she can hold on. Please let it end humanely and not cause more pain and hurt to anyone else. Sometimes, we wished that death was the only solution to put a stop for all these. 

No one, including our loved ones, will understand the frustrations and struggles we go through but we are most definitely grateful for their words of encouragement. 

2012 has ended in an awful way, with the story not even half written and pages left blank. 2013 might be a tougher year. And I really am not anticipating any of it.